2025, June.

I haven’t written anything for weeks, which is crazy and annoying because I promised myself to keep this blog alive. But I was so busy to even organize my thoughts. Okay, fine. Busy is not the right word because I haven’t been busy busy. I don’t know. Lumilipas lang yung oras at mga araw tapos nagpapadala lang ako sa agos. Does that make any sense to you?

I don’t want to play the mom card. If anything, June-July has been the easiest month/s for me as a new mom because (1) my mom stays with us most of the time now to help with my son, and (2) my son isn’t as needy/demanding as he was in the newborn phase. I actually sleep 8 hours now, thanks to my husband, who lets me sleep after work, and my mom, who takes care of my son so I can sleep until noon.

So what’s keeping me preoccupied? That’s a good question.
Honest answer? I DON’T KNOW. Nothing and everything, I guess?

I’ve been questioning a lot of things lately. The way I live my life, for one. I don’t feel the same, and yet, I am exactly the same – I am in the same old position as I was pre-motherhood. Same job, same schedule, same routine. Same old me. And yet, I feel very different – different vision, different hopes and dreams (?), different priorities. different POV. It’s like something happened inside me, and my emotions and my body cannot keep up. I feel like a different person in the same body.

I also find myself questioning where I am at the moment. How did I end up here? In the same place I was a year ago. I feel like I haven’t moved an inch, which is depressing because I have all my plans laid out beginning of the year. Again, I don’t want to play the mom-card, much less do I want to blame my son for feeling stuck. I love my son, and I love being a mom. But man, the things I need to put on hold for this to happen.

So it makes me wonder…

How many pauses and breaks does a woman have to go through for great things to happen?
How many sacrifices does a daughter/son have to make to be considered a good daughter/son?
How many priorities should a mother have to change to cater to the needs of a new human being?

Anyway, I was watching Final Destination last night and I felt exhausted. Catching death, defying death, trying to fight death. As someone who’s a walking time bomb, sometimes I feel the same way. Kailan kaya? Ito na kaya ‘to? You see, when you are anticipating something, it will rule your mind whether you like it or not.

That’s also the reason why I am so eager to do the things I want to do is because I feel like I don’t have enough time, you know? Maybe it’s a good thing to believe that. Maybe it’s bad, But the thing is, I feel like I am less scared every time I think about not having enough time for everything. So yeah, maybe it’s a good thing after all. Being able to tell yourself, “anong mawawala kung susubukan mo?” At this point, everything is a gain.